And it really breaks my heart.
A lot of questions kept running on my mind.
I wanna know the answer, i wanna ask him everything.
I wanna clear things out but why now?
Why did i let time passed by not asking him.
Eventually i'm still that weak person who use to runaway.
Or maybe i really hold on what he said:
"I should have to prove myself that i'm worthy for you and prove to me that i'm worthy for you.. We should have to seek God first and if we're meant to be then it will be. ."
Words that i've tried to hold on not even asking if i should wait for him or if he would wait for me.
Words that i tried to hold on. Words that made me so weak now.
Words that i wish i never suppose to believe in.
But why did i hold on?
It's simply because i believe i have a big God that though i won't need to ask the guy if i should wait for him having that so called faith and trust in God that somehow our hearts will meet again.
But guess what that fidelity of mine with that so called love makes me surrender everything about him. Why? I WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY.
Weirdo me? But that's really I am, i don't wanna fight for the person who can't fight for me at all, it might cause deep pain inside. How can i fight for him if i'm praying for him but then not knowingly he's praying for someone else. I don't wanna be selfish. Though right now i'm bleeding inside i know that the joy of our Lord will be my strength. And i'm praying if i would ask him all the questions on my mind, at first i'm afraid coz i know answers might cause pain so much but then God told me this early in the morning while having my devotional prayers, thrice He said in Deuteronomy 31 -- "Be strong and courageous, don't be afraid -- I'm with you!"
***Am i a fool? NA-ah. I'm a person who seems to love sincerely though i know he can't love me back. I never thought it would hurt me again. I'm broken when i received God in my life(Nov.5,2009), praying i could find the One in that place, so blessed i met him(concert Back into His love) but then unexpectedly my heart was broken again. I don't wanna think again for that so called Love. I want to be at peace. God being in control of everything. Dad, i surrender, i give up, i really can't hold on it kills me inside. Be my strength -- please protect me, guide my heart, be my love. And favor Dad? Make him happy. Let your will be done. Entrusting my life unto you.
"OPEN THE EYES OF MY HEART LORD, I WANT TO SEE YOU."
